Macedonian Humour

[The LION will ROAR]

ONLY A MACEDONIAN MAN CAN MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A WOMAN...


On a recent international flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it and becomes extremely hysterical. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane and yells "I'm too young to die". She then yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a Macedonian man named Alex stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous, tall, well built, with Fare hair and green eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt... one button at a time! No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.
She gasps...
He whispers...."Woman, iron this, and get me something to eat...."

[The LION will ROAR]

A Greek woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
> She is not happy with what she sees and says to her Greek husband,
> 'I feel horrible;
> l Look old, fat , ugly and Hairy, I really need you to pay me a
> compliment.'
>
>
> The Greek husband replies,'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
>
Moral of the story?
> The First time Truth comes out of a GREEK .....

[The LION will ROAR]

DEDO’S CORRESPONDENCE WITH ATHENS

There was a Macedonian Dedo who was fed up with the treatment he and other Macedonians were receiving in Northern Greece.“Dosta de!”, he said to his friends.

He decided to write the President of Greece. In a shaky script, almost illiterate, he told the President that he and his friends were declaring war on Athens and that they had better prepare themselves.

After investigating, the President wanting to appear diplomatic, wrote back on impressive official stationary warning the old man that such action was ‘treasonable’ and he was subject to ‘severe consequences’ He also pointed out that Greece had a large army that was well prepared to defend the country.

The old man replied that he and his friend Yane who had a wagon were ready to go ahead and an attack could come at any time.

The President growing exasperated wrote back saying that the Greek army was well equipped with tanks and armoured vehicles and could defeat the rebellion in less time than it would take to drink a cup of coffee.

The Dedo replied telling the President to take care because in the next village he had friend with a donkey, two shovels and a pitchfork and another friend had a couple of axes.

The President thinking to really frighten him wrote Dedo to say that Greece had the support of NATO, an impressive Air Force, attack planes and bombers, and it would only take seconds to wipe out Dedo’s ‘forces’.

Dedo wrote back saying that after thinking about it he was withdrawing his Declaration of War!

He said he had talked to some Non Governmental Humanitarian Agencies and found out that he could not get the 500,000 blue tents needed to house all the prisoners he intended to take. He said he knew he could feed them (because Macedonians had been doing that for 80 years) but to also provide them with shelter was too much.

[The LION will ROAR]

GREEK MAGIC AND THE HEALING OF A SICK MAN

Once upon a time there was a sick man. He was so sick that all the doctors of the world could not cure him. Then came a Doctor, a healer above all healers and started to treat him in a radical way: performing all sorts of plastic surgery. He cut, sewed, grafted, stitched from one place to another, used traditional medicine, witchcraft and many other healing techniques which not many people possess in this world, and finally in a miraculous way the sick man recovered and was reborn.

QUESTION 1: Who was the sick man?

QUESTION 2: Who was this exceptional Doctor?

After the entire class failed the test, one student named Kostas put his hand up.

"Kirie daskale"(Sir), called Kostas.

"Ne pedy mu”(Yes, my boy), replied the teacher

"O arostos itane i ELLADA!”(The sick man was ELLADA!), replied the boy.

"Bravo, vre pedy mu",(good on you, my boy) replied the teacher.

And now, for a perfect score, continued the teacher.

“Pios ine avtos o axios giatros?”(Who was this capable doctor?) Asked the teacher.

"Avtos o axios giatros itan o Kirios Ioanis Metaxas!”(The capable doctor was Mr. Ioanis Metaxas!) triumphantly replied Kostas.

"Bravo, vre pedy mu",(Bravo my boy) Again answered the teacher, "you are a true follower of Aristotle the Philosopher."

Even to this day Greece is still portrayed as the sick man of Europe and the EU is pouring billions of dollars to keep the man who died 2,500 ago stay alive

[The LION will ROAR]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE MACEDONIAN WHEN:

http://www.macedonians.co.uk/index1.html

- Your grandfather always has a shot of Rakija for breakfast.
- The moment church services are over you go straight for the bar and get smashed (Australia only).
- You only go out of town for Macedonian Tournaments and Dances.
- Even if you're a girl, your parents (who can't remember your name) call you "sine".
- You are hopelessly trying to bring the Macedonian community in Australia together.
- Your uncle makes his own wine that's stronger than 'rakija'.
- Your mother insists that 'promaja' will kill you.
- Your mother insists you must eat something with 'Sirenje' at least three times a week.
- You base your whole life on the fortune in your coffee cup.
- You use 'Rakija' to cure all illnesses, celebrate all occasions and as a
massage lotion.
- You celebrate Christmas, Easter and New Years two weeks after everyone else.
- Your baba will not accept the fact that you're just not hungry.
- Your parents constantly say you'll end up a nobody if you don't graduate
from University.
- You go to a restaurant and bring your own drinks.
- You go to your baba's house, she offers you supa, sarma, piperki or
Kolbasi and gets upset when you don't eat EVERYTHING.
- You are at a zabava and the guys try picking you up by asking,'Hey baby, what's your slava?'.
- When you have four pairs of 'Vlecki' in your wardrobe.
- All other action stops when you hear the music of 'Ogan da go gori' or
'Biser Balkanski'
- You are a fan of whatever soccer team Darko Pancev plays for.
- When your mum calls you 'stoka'.
- You can always smell garlic on your parents' breath and they insist it kills all bacteria.
- Your walls are crowded with icons of saints.
- You have a Goce Delcev picture on the wall.
- There's a slab of fat in your fridge called 'SLANINA'.
- Your parents still prefer to buy tapes rather than CDs.
- Your mum has a whole pharmacy in her medicine cabinet.
- Your parents think everything is a conspiracy
- You have gone to at least 3 Macedonian protests in the city.
- Your old man hits you more because you are still crying.
- Your parents tell you that Virginity (for girls only) is more important than your life.
- Your mum or Dad screams at you in front of the whole school on report night.
- You definitely know your a Maco when the 'Kisela Voda' from the village of Dolno Dupeni is supposed to taste nicer than Evian mineral water.
- You have at least a whole 'tengere' left over with food after the whole family has eaten.
- Geelong picnic is more important than seeing a dieing friend in hospital.
- If something goes wrong in the family, it definitely has something to do with 'Magia'.
- Everyone asks you how much money you made on your wedding night.
- You constantly get asked how much money you make at work and how big your home loan is.
- The longer you live with your parents after you get married the better off
you are because you can save up enough money to buy a $400,000 home in cash.
- Other people than the numko choose the name of your baby.
- Your wife has to make you food everyday and if she doesn't, she is not a
'domakjinka'.
- If you are caught doing the vacuuming by your mum or dad, they say that you are under the thumb and your wife's parents are laughing at you
- You have at least 20 grand cash in the roof or under the pillow.
- Your parents invite 500 people over to your house because you proposed to your girlfriend.
- If you don’t go overseas for your honeymoon, people think that you are having financial problems.
- Your parents can eat 'luti piperki' like chocolate and not break out in a sweat.
- The house has to be vacuumed at least 10 times a week.
- After a late night out with your mates on a Friday night, your mum comes into your room at 8:00 in the morning and vacuums your room and tells you to get up because it's almost lunch time... and then she accidentally sprays Windex on your face because she is trying to also clean the bed head.
- If you are seen drunk at a 21st by an oldie, your parents find out the next day and call you a "piyanica".
- Your fridge always has more beer than food, just in case 'gosti' come over.
- You always bargain at the market and try to get discounts.
- You have an uncle that sticks his thumb up at someone instead of his middle finger and calls him a 'peder eden'
You're 18 years old and your dad still checks if your wearing a singlet underneath your t-shirt.
- Your friends get in the car and smell like "munja".
- Your parents eat lubenica with leb and sirejne.
- You have 5 difdiks in your house.
- You ask your mum to go out and she says...Prashajgo tatkoti
- Your parents invite people over to watch old Macedonian weddings and makedonski prikazni.
- It's 8 o’clock and your dads like "Odi Vkrevet"

- Half of your backyard is a bufcha
- You have every single plant possible in your house
- You have at least 2 porcelain flower centerpieces in your house
- Your parents buy you winter coats three sizes too big so it will fit the next year
- You have a crveno jajce in your window from last year
- Every time it's quiet your dad farts and says "Jas ne prdnav, beshe majkati"
- You have 75 kebina on your beds and couches
- You can't go out with friends who aren't Macedonian
- Your dad has 2 birthdays because he was signed in the hospital 5 days after he was born.
- Your walls can't be anything BUT white
- Your parents make you go to Macedonia to find a husband or wife
- Your parents talk about how great Macedonia is but they live in Australia.
- You get hurt & you need to go to the hospital and your parents say "Nisto nema...Ke ti pomini kako na kuche"
- You hurt yourself and your parents get mad at you for crying
- You can't go in someone’s house without taking your shoes off
- You’re a girl and can't have a boyfriend until your 18... only to find that when you turn 18 .. it changes to 21
- Your first boyfriend has to be your husband
- Your mum invites your friends mum over for "turkso kafe i na muabet(gossip)"
- You cant sit on the front porch stairs because they're cement and your going to get "prolif"
- Fish and graf are part of your daily diet
- You have at least one "vezana slika" in your house
- Your dad calls your mum "zheno"
- You have a big clock set hanging on your walls that doesn't work and its just there for decoration
- You travel to Macedonia and take 4 suitcases of old clothes for your family over there and only one shirt and pair of jeans for yourself
- Every Macedonian guy has one pinky nail that’s long so he could pick his nose
- You read this to your parents and they get mad because your making fun of Macedonians
- You come home later than you are allowed to and your dad says to you: "More ima mamicheto da ti go ebam" and your mum looks at him weird as if to say "YEAH YOU WISH"!
- You have guests come to your house for the first time and the old lady takes lady guest for a tour around the house and explains where everything is.
- Your old man does a Service and Tune on his car by himself so he doesn’t have to pay a mechanic.
- Visitors come over and your old man yells out to the old lady: "Zeno, donesi po edno VB"
- Visitors come over and your dad/mum put on the Maco channel on TARBS and tells the visitors: "Aaaaaaa vie go nemate ova"
- Your mum goes shopping and she never ends up buying what she originally intended to buy.
- Your parents go shopping and you can hear them fighting from the other end of the shop.
- Your mum and dad are shopping at the supermarket and your mum says to your dad: "Tuka frutata e skapa, ke kupime od fruta shopot"
- Your aunties drives your uncles home after your birthday party.

[The LION will ROAR]

"A Greek and a Macedonian were arguing over who had the superior culture.
The Greek says “We have the Parthenon”.
Arching his eyebrows the Macedonian says “Philip and Alexander were Macedonian”.
The Greeks says “We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics”.
The Macedonian says “But we built the Macedonian Empire”.
The Greek says:“We invented sex”.
The Macedonian replies “That is true, but we Macedonians introduced it to women”.

[The LION will ROAR]

Dedo Lazo and Dedo Vasil telling stories about their youth

Two old men sitting in front of their porch talking in their Lerin-Kostur dialect about their younger days.

Dedo Lazo: Eden den koa be dvanajse godini tatko mi me pushchi da gi pasa oftsite. Mi beshe maka da baram praugore i taka bare dzadi zad oftsite. Po troa vreme oftsite zaminaa preku eden rit i pret da gi zaginam jas kinisa da baram po brzo. Od daleku na levata strna na rido shchukna kuchina da lae. Se poviasa da vida sho staa i koga se viana na rido sho da vida. Edno golemo sivo kuche trchase kamo mene i edna suria drugi kuchina go teraa. Koga go vidu kucheto da grej kamo mene jas go krena krlugo i be gotof da mu go udra po glaa. Ama koa me vide, golemoto kuche fati da trcha usche po brzo i pred da go stigna toa me pomina. Drugite kuchina ushche go teraa i go ispndia dur visoko vo planinata. Koga mu kaza na tatko mi toj mi reche toa ne beshe kuche, ali toj beshe vlko.

Dedo Vasil: Abre dete, toa ne e nischo. Jas ke ti kazham neshcho ushche po strashno. Jas koga be dvanajse godini tatko mi me pushchi da ga vada livadata gore vo planinata. Pret da se stemni zafati da si greda doma i na visokoto gore na rido deka imashe ushche sntse jas vidu neshcho tsrno da bara okolu edni topoli. Beshe daleku i nemozhe da go vida sho e toa neshcho. Se puleshe kako kuche, kako bishe ama ne mozhe da go vida chisto sho e. Koga dojdu po blizu go vidu ama i toa me vide i stana prostum na dzadnite nodzi. Ah, togaa mi tekna sho e. Nemashe dea da oda trebashe da oda kamo neo za si dojda doma. E togaa Laze nodzite mi se storia krtilia i jas litna i ne zham duri kolku brzu si dojdu doma.

Dedo Lazo: Abre Vasile, sho beshe toa sho te uplashi tolku mnogu?

Dedo Vasil: Ami ti ne zhaesh bre Laze? Ami taa beshe mechkata bre!

[The LION will ROAR]

Two builders (Dimche (Dave) and Stevo (Stuart)) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...

Dimche/Dave:- I reckon he's an accountant.
Stevo/Stuart:- No way he's a stockbroker.

Dimche/Dave:- He aint no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...

Dave:- Scuse me, no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit:- No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!

Dave:- Oh! What's that then?

Suit:- I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?

Dave:- Er mmm well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit:- Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Dave:- It's in a pond!

Suit:- Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave:- As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit:- Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Dave:- As it happens I've got a five bedroom house, built it myself.

Suit:- Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Dave:- Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit:- Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit:- Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Dave:- Me? Never!

Suit:- Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave:- How's that then?

Suit:- Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Dave:- I see! That's pretty impressive, thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart:- I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave:- Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Stuart:- What's that then?

Dave:- I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stuart:- Nope

Dave:- Well then, you're a tinkach.

[The LION will ROAR]

Trajan talks to his son Georgi...

TRAJAN (father): "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."

GEORGI (son): "I will choose my own bride!!"

TRAJAN (father): "But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter.."

GEORGI (son): "Well, in that case... okay."

Next TRAJAN approaches Bill Gates.

TRAJAN (father): "I have a husband for your daughter.... "

Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!!"

TRAJAN (father): "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."

Bill Gates: "Ah! in that case... okay."

Finally TRAJAN goes to see the President of the World Bank.

TRAJAN : "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."

President: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!"

TRAJAN : "But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law."

President:'Ah, in that case... okay."

And that, my friends, is how Macos do business.

[The LION will ROAR]

A Frenchman and an Greekman were seated next to an Macedonian on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Greekman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious Greek Salard and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Frenchman responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Macedonian remained silent, the Greekman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Frenchman arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

[The LION will ROAR]

An american sailor is in athens, he meets two greek sailors and they agree to go out for a few drinks. The greeks introduce the american to 'ouzo' and they drink a large amount. In the morning they wake up and the american tells the greeks, "You know, in America we drink whiskey and in the morning your head hurts, but after drinking ouzo, my ass-hole hurts."

[The LION will ROAR]

So there's a Greek resturant and a Chineese resturant right next to each other. Each morning Nick and Chin come out to sweep off the sidewalk. Nick asks Chin, "Hey Chin, what's your special today?" Chin replies, "Flied Lice!". Nick can't control himself, and busts out in laughter. So from then on, every morning when Nick and Chin would venture out to sweep the sidewalk in from of their resturants, Nick would ask about Chin's special, Chin would respond "Flied Lice!", and Nick would bust out in laughter. After a number of years, Chin's son, now very much "americanized", assists his father with the sweeping of the sidewalk in front of the resturant. And like every morning, Nick asks the same question about Chin's special. Chin exclaims, "Flied Lice!", and Nick laughs out loud. Afterward, Chin's son says, "hey pop, don't you realize that the greek guy over there is making fun of the way you talk? Well, then it dawns on Chin that he's been the brunt of Nick's joke for so many years.

So Chin's son works with his dad on his english. "We'll show him tomorrow morning", they say to each other. They practice the words over and over again "fried rice, fried rice, fried rice".

The next morning, like every other morning, Nick and Chin come out to sweep the sidewalk. And just like every other morning, Nick asks, "Hey Chin, what's your special?". Chin looks Nice square in the eyes and carefully exclaims, "Fried Rice... you Gleek Plick!"

[The LION will ROAR]

The Real Greek Olympics
1.Cigarette chain smoking marathon
2.Gathering olives from trees
3.Long distance spitting...Ftou!
4.Nastiest armpit smell
5.Thickest moustaki!..(Females are welcome to compete too)
6.Goat herders' relay
8.Komboloi (worry beads) toss
9.Longest duration wearing the same piece of clothing.
10.Donkey race to the beach
11.Beriba/Xeri playing
12. The Best in Who could beat the lie dector

[The LION will ROAR]

Q.What do you call a Grekoman wearing sandals?
A.Philippe Phillop!

[The LION will ROAR]

Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Greece?
A: They don't want to wear out the Donkey.