Funny Stories

[Risto the Great]

C'mon, out with it.

[Gocka]

I'll get things started with a story that I think could only happen to me.

It was 2014 I believe, can't recall the month. My cousin was having a bachelor party in New York City. We all meet up and take a limo to NYC, make our way through a few night clubs. I'm not a big drinker but I had a few that night, nothing crazy. I had all my drinks very early on in the night, drank nothing but water for a few hours after that. It was 3 or 4 am when we headed back to NJ with the limo, and grabbed our cars and headed home.

I had about a 45 minute drive to get back home, I hadn't drank any alcohol for probably 4 hours by this point. I make it about half way home and I start feeling sick. So I pull over on the highway to get some air and see if anything comes up. I was fine, probably indigestion from the greasy street food we had. I'm getting in my car, just as I shut my door, there go the blue and red lights behind me. I figured what the hell, I've got nothing to worry about.

Here comes the cop to my window, we exchange pleasantries, and he asks if everything is okay. I say yea, I was just feeling a little sick but I'm fine, and I was just leaving. He ask me if I had been drinking: now here is where my naivety really screwed me over. I say yea I had 3 or 4 drinks around 10 pm, it was now 4 am, but I said I didn't drink alcohol after that. He says, please get out of the car, I have to give you a field sobriety test.

Let me set the stage a little before I continue. I was wearing a 3 piece suit, that looked damn good on me, but it was way too tight. I was wearing some fly ass shoes, but they were twice as long as my feet. It is 4am, my head hurts, I'm sleepy, probably have to go to the bathroom. Now I don't which of these factors did it but: The cop has me do a series of fucking acrobetics to prove I'm not drunk. I'm wearing a tight suit, banana shoes, and its 4am. I swear I couldn't have passed those tests in my freaking football gear in the middle of the day.

Yup, I failed his stupid little test. I knew what was about to happen. Sure enough he whips out the cuffs and puts me in his back seat and starts driving me to the police station, which is 5 minutes from my house. It was a 20 min drive to the station, but we made it in 10. I the car I asked him, do I look or sound drunk to you, do you even smell alcohol on me? He says, no, but you failed the test so I have to take you in. I ask, don't you have a damn breathalyzer test or something. He says, no, only at the station, not in our cars. I quip, I'm glad my 15k a year in taxes is being put to good use. We were chatting and joking the whole way. I asked him if he really had to cuff me and shove me in the back, which BTW isn't big enough for a 5 year old to sit in. He said it's policy.

So we make it to the station. They take my info, prints, and ask for a contact for someone to come pick me up. My car was to be towed from the highway where I left it. They take a breathalyzer, and while they wait for the results they stick me in a jail cell. They cuff me to the damn bench. Again I ask, is this really necessary, I've been nothing but polite and cooperative. Again, its the rules. Luckily I had company. Yes friends, sitting next to me in my cell, was the drunkest idiot you've ever seen. He was bumbling and mumbling the whole time. "this is some bullshit" "can you believe these guys" "I'm not drunk". When you read those quotes, just imagine the most stereotypical stuttering drunk. It was in the moment that it hit me. I'm in fucking jail, handcuffed to a bench, next to some drunk freak, how in the hell did I get here? I started to question myself, am I drunk?

After about 30 minutes, here comes the cop who arrested me and his superior. You are free to go, we are very sorry they say. I say, come again? Your blood alcohol level was 0.00. I didn't have a drop of alcohol in my blood. Good thing too, because apparently if there was any alcohol in my blood they would have towed my car, even if I was below the limit. They would have considered me unable to drive.

So the same cop now has to drive me back to my car, and I have to drive 20 minutes back home, even though the police station was 5 minutes from my house. The sun was coming up when I got home.

The next morning, at some ungodly hour my wife wakes me up. "OMG THE POLICE CALLED ME" "WHY WERE YOU IN JAIL".
I say, you wouldn't believe me if I told you.

So there it is, once again my weak ass stomach screws me over.

That was the one and only time the coppers pinched me. There was one occasion where I technically evaded them, I leave that one for latter.

[Gocka]

I haven't seen a thread like this so I thought I'd start one. A place where we can share funny stories and things that have happened to us in our personal lives.